The cream to my tea

 She had taken off both her shoes, then locked the door and checking it twice. She's always careful, a bit too much actually. She's paying attention to her surroundings, people walking past her, a cat walking gracefully but also carelessly, cars and bikes riding somewhere. She sees everything. She takes the same road everyday, she's that simple. Sometimes it would rain, but she would refuse to use an umbrella. She enjoys the sound of the rain, and the feeling of it on her skin. She's neat, but also messy. She's very smart, but also very lazy. Her favorite piece is Für Elise. She would spend about 15 minutes in the shower. She's not a sweet tooth kind of person, nor she likes the sour taste. She would stay up all night playing with her phone, either for some games or read fiction. She would end up oversleeping and rushing to go to work without breakfast. She almost never skips work, too much of a coward to do that. All she cared about were her loved ones; family ...

"I push away the people I want the most in my life, and I tell myself that it's because I need to learn to live without attachments. But deep inside, all I want, is for someone to resist my efforts at pushing them away and tell me I am worth holding on to, even when I'm acting like a complete idiot." "She spent a life building walls then sat there in her "lonely" wondering why nothing grew." - Atticus My toxic trait? I shut down and I push people away. Even when it's a time when I need someone the most. And as much as I don't want to, for some reason, I do it anyway. I isolate myself and suffer in silence because I feel that's what I have to do and I don't deserve help." - Twitter account @a_alyssam_arie "I push people away because I'm afraid I'm going to lose them. It's like a twisted way of protecting myself." "Are you only going to love me until you realize how hard loving me actually...

Terima kasih ya, atas kehidupan yang kalian berikan. Tapi maaf ya, belum kujalani dengan sepenuhnya. Aku harap kalian sabar ya, aku juga maunya apa-apa bisa sendiri kok. Jangan marah ya, aku takut. Jangan lupa istirahat ya, aku usahakan tidak merepotkan terus. Bersyukur itu memang susah ya, seringkali aku malah suka menyumpah serapahi eksistensi ku. Malah ya, kadang aku mau berhenti di tengah jalan. Kalian juga sering sih ya, suka menunjukkan kalau aku memang nggak pantas. Sesekali nih ya, aku berharap aku mati lebih cepat. Mungkin aja nih ya, kalian bisa lebih bahagia. Terutama ya, sama anak-anak lelaki kalian. Sekali lagi aku minta maaf ya.

Tuan!! Apa kabar? Semoga baik. Sini deh aku mau cerita, akhir-akhir ini kumenyadari ada sesuatu yang janggal antara kita. Bukan, bukan tentang harapan. Aku kan sudah lama berpindah keyakinan, terutama tentang kita. Aneh, tiap aku menemukan diriku di keadaan ini. Mungkin kamu juga ngeh. Tiap-tiap kita di suatu masa, ada kalanya kamu butuh sesuatu. Entah itu barang atau jasa, kenapa ya, yang kamu tanya pertama bukan aku? Tadinya aku kira, ini cuma ego, sedikit pedih karena bukan yang dicari. Tapi lama-lama kamu ketahuan juga, sengaja menghindari aku. Soalnya kamu tau ya, apapun yang kamu minta aku siap dua? Nih, sebenarnya memang yang bodoh aku. Aku tau aku mau jadi segalanya buat kamu, padahal kamu hampir seterusnya bukan untukku. Masa, aku hapal apa-apa yang kamu akan cari, dan aku siapkan jauh-jauh hari. Kan keliatan ibu rumah tangganya. Aku tau kamu akan minta 1, aku kasih 2. Minta 5, aku kasih 10. Minta yang nggak ada, aku ada-adain sampai ada 1000. Cinta atau tolol, kamu yang nilai...

Setiap mendaki gunung, atau camping, gue selalu kepikiran satu hal ini entah kenapa. Hal paling simple dan kayak "Hah? Ngapain mikirin itu?" tapi kalo lo pernah jalan-jalan ke alam gitu, yang rada-rada mendaki, rada-rada jauh jalannya, pasti hal ini juga sering lo perhatiin walaupun nggak lo gubris-gubris amat eksistensinya. Dari awal gue sadar kenapa gue selalu mikir kalo lagi ngeliatin hal ini, sampe akhirnya camping terakhir gue nggak kuat lagi nahan diri untuk nulis tentang ini. Hal apa cobaa? Yang selaluuuu gue pikirin kalo naik gunung atau camping, adalah.... batu. Perhatiin deh, kalo lo lagi jalan-jalan ke alam gitu, kalo lo lagi jalan. Apa yang lo liatin? Kalo jalanannya licin, kalo becek, kalo hujan. Apa yang lo liatin? Kalo lo takut jatuh, takut kepeleset. Apa yang lo liatin? Pijakan lo kan? Bukan kaki, dan nggak mungkin terus-terusan liat ke depan. Tapi yang lo liatin, pijakan selanjutnya lo harus taro kaki di mana. Emang sih, nggak jarang dataran kalo naik gunung ...

The one who makes me stay, love her sons more. The one who keeps me sane, died. Anything You want to put me through, may I not?

Sebenernya ini ditulis di notes handphone karena hasrat bercerita kepada orang baru. Tapi karena sampai saat ini belum tertuangkan ke orang nya, ya sudah, cerita di sini. Kan ulang tahun gue 12 Maret ya, baik-baik aja tuh. Tapi ada kejadian aneh di satu hari setelah nya, yaitu 13 Maret. Gue lagi otw tempat kerja, baru sampai Stasiun Univ. Pancasila. Gue turun dan langsung jalan ke arah pintu keluar. Eh di tengah-tengah stasiun, ada nih Mba-Mba lagi duduk madep ke jalan raya (membelakangi peron). Gue perhatiin dia lagi teleponan, ya gue tetep jalan dong. Pas gue lewat Mba nya, gue denger suara isak tangis, gue reflek berhenti. Tadi nya mikir, masa pagi-pagi udah ada kejadian horor? Terus gue nengok kanan-kiri lagi, bingung nyari sumber suara. Gue liat ke arah Mba nya dong, dia emang lagi teleponan dan setelah gue perhatiin lagi, dia ngobrol sama orang yang dia lagi telepon sambil nangis dan sedikit teriak ngegas gitu. Kayak sedang mencoba menjelaskan sesuatu, tapi sambil nangis gitu...

Alo, D. How are ya? I want to have a talk, and I need you to listen carefully. Got it? You're a natural empath, aren't ya? You have a good heart, your prayers always goes to your loved ones. You listen to their stories. Yet, you never listen to yours. What's the use of being an empath, if you can't even hear yourself? That's why I'm here. I want to apologize. I'm sorry that I barely pay attention to what you really need, that I rarely focus on what you really want, and wasn't there for you when you need yourself the most. You always tell yourself, "I can't be happy now, I could do more." or "Don't be too sad, others had it worse." And I once again, and will never be tired to ask, why would you do that to yourself? You deserves happiness as much as others do and their bad days can't be the standard of your own feelings. But, again, it's all my fault that I was never there to remind you of that. But, D, other...

 Thank you for telling me those words. Thank you.

Tuhan, aku berdoa mohon Engkau dekat kan dua hal kepada ku; Satu, yang baik untuk ku; agar aku belajar menjaga apa dan mereka yang kusayang. Dua, yang buruk untuk ku; agar aku belajar menjaga diri ku sendiri.