marriage? me? #2

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tonight i'm crying because i know this is something i won't know what it feels like.

i won't know how it feels to have someone ask you "will you marry me?" or casually say "married yuk"
i won't know how it feels to have matching rings to show the world you own each others
i won't know how it feels to get married
i won't know how it feels to sleep in someone arms
i won't know how it feels to have someone coming home kissing your forehead and saying "i missed you"
i won't know how it feels to have a husband

marriage is not just for me. the fact that i hate the concept and everything about it makes me can't even imagine being in such a bond. i am a girl of commitment; you want it, let's do it, but if you don't then don't even think about it. and please let me know. because i'm craving for a commitment that won't makes me wondering will i be hurt when he/she cheats, or will it sucks if it ends. but with married, everything is somehow complicated than it already is. the papers, the responsibility, and you're going to have the scar forever in your heart. the vow you said in your wedding was broken in the ugly ways. even if you say, 'we seperated on good terms' oh no babe, there's always someone who hurts. always. it still sucks when someone you love leave you, even without marriage. i know that. but at least, there's no bond. you're just strangers who commits to each others. to love, to protect, to support, to spend every each days together. you commit to each others, not papers, not the laws, not families.

it makes me sad, thinking i might be lonely for the rest of my life. sometimes i wonder what if i get married and turns out it doesn't as complicated as i thought it is?
but then, i don't think i will ever capable of loving someone who will feel enough with only mine. there's always something unworthy of me. and i don't even know which part of me that is.

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