the suffering
She has grown too fond of her, she knows that.
That's where she fucked up.
She ruined everything.
At that time, only one thought coming through very clearly, the one thing of which she's certain; she loves her.
One thing she told her everyday; I love you.
And other things she can't say; please don't leave me.
Because that'd make her look weak. Even though if it's about her, she always has been the weak one.
It became a nightmare everytime she's sincerely staring at her, like something she wanted to say.
Something sad.
Something broken.
She was warned,
was told,
everyone trusted her,
saying that she should have listened.
Every one last chance was given to her,
to turn back and leave,
that she's making a mistake.
I won't give up.
Not on her.
Not like this.
But she feels off everytime she wakes up. Somehing is not right.
Something is trying to let go.
Something is trying to leave.
And everytime she tries,
desperately seeking any kind of confirmation that they're still okay.
Please, come back to me.
She'll come around.
She'll be back.
She'll find her way back to me.
But the distance keeps maintained.
I won't be around.
I'm busy.
You can't come today.
Mum doesn't want you here.
I want to go somewhere by myself.
And it's getting worse catching her in the lie.
No one to tell.
She has no one to talk.
No one to share about her pain.
She's alone.
And she's done waiting.
She needs to face her; her reality.
I want to know what the fuck is going on with you, with us.
You have lied to me.
I wanna know why.
Look at me.
At least have the decency to fucking look at me.
Look at my eyes and tell me you've been screwing up everything lately.
Screwing us!
She's glaring at her waiting for answers.
I can't. We can't.
And there are others involved here.
It's not it.
What the fuck?
And the next words from her lips doesn't what she really wanted to hear.
As much as I love you, I can't risk anything just to be with you.
She feels defeated.
It doesn't have to be like that.
We have fought for this!
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
You fought for this, whatever this is.
She's doing it now. She's fighting for her.
She's so afraid, but she's still here.
She's still fighting.
Doesn't that sound selfish coming from you?
Don't.
You're right. I am. I've given up.
You did everything for us. But I don't want it anymore.
The feelings have long gone.
She thought that they can do this, together.
She needs her.
Don't you dare let go of me.
Don't you dare give up now.
And this is what she gets.
Or maybe,
I actually never had feelings for you.
Her hope. Her vision. All shatters into a thousand razor sharp fragments that dig into her heart. She feels like her legs might give out from underneath her, and it takes all her strength to keep herself upright. It feels like there's something around her sucks the air out of her lungs and her chest may be blow up from all the pressures. It wounds her deeper than all the lies. She's trying her hardest to keep the water pooling in her eyes from spilling.
I've heard enough.
And her pain coming in waves, pushing out of her body through silent sobs. Horrible wailing between sharp gasps for air.
It breaks everything left in her.
Everything.
She wonders when it will become easier, when the stabbing pain she carries in her chest will calm enough to be bearable.
She did everything to cure it.
Sleep, music, alcohol,
something she never tried before,
she dyed her hair brown,
she took everything more than she could take,
cigar, pain-killer,
and less than she should have,
food,
keeping something close to her to dull the ache,
her sweater, the doll from her.
The hole in her heart keeps burning.
It's exhausting.
It's eating her up.
She feels like drowning, and to make it worse, she's drowning alone.
I miss you.
No one can make her feel this way.
Feel so full when she's around, but too empty when she's gone.
But she doesn't want her.
She never did, remember?
She turns to be the asshole everyone have told her.
And everyone have forced her to believe.
Everyone have pushed her girl to finally be one.
She left.
And that's what everyone wants.
But, now what?
Are you all going to be with me?
Staying by my side going through all this?
Are you enjoying the sight of me, now?
A mess,
struggling,
and all alone.
She's falling deeper.
To her; for all the promises that have been broken.
You're a fucking coward.
To them; for all the shits they've put her to going through.
You all are a fucking coward.
She's scared.
I'm scared.
She's alone.
I'm alone.
And she's scared.
And I'm scared.
I thought we were beyond this,
am I not worth fighting for?
That's where she fucked up.
She ruined everything.
At that time, only one thought coming through very clearly, the one thing of which she's certain; she loves her.
One thing she told her everyday; I love you.
And other things she can't say; please don't leave me.
Because that'd make her look weak. Even though if it's about her, she always has been the weak one.
It became a nightmare everytime she's sincerely staring at her, like something she wanted to say.
Something sad.
Something broken.
She was warned,
was told,
everyone trusted her,
saying that she should have listened.
Every one last chance was given to her,
to turn back and leave,
that she's making a mistake.
I won't give up.
Not on her.
Not like this.
But she feels off everytime she wakes up. Somehing is not right.
Something is trying to let go.
Something is trying to leave.
And everytime she tries,
desperately seeking any kind of confirmation that they're still okay.
Please, come back to me.
She'll come around.
She'll be back.
She'll find her way back to me.
But the distance keeps maintained.
I won't be around.
I'm busy.
You can't come today.
Mum doesn't want you here.
I want to go somewhere by myself.
And it's getting worse catching her in the lie.
No one to tell.
She has no one to talk.
No one to share about her pain.
She's alone.
And she's done waiting.
She needs to face her; her reality.
I want to know what the fuck is going on with you, with us.
You have lied to me.
I wanna know why.
Look at me.
At least have the decency to fucking look at me.
Look at my eyes and tell me you've been screwing up everything lately.
Screwing us!
She's glaring at her waiting for answers.
I can't. We can't.
And there are others involved here.
It's not it.
What the fuck?
And the next words from her lips doesn't what she really wanted to hear.
As much as I love you, I can't risk anything just to be with you.
She feels defeated.
It doesn't have to be like that.
We have fought for this!
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
You fought for this, whatever this is.
She's doing it now. She's fighting for her.
She's so afraid, but she's still here.
She's still fighting.
Doesn't that sound selfish coming from you?
Don't.
You're right. I am. I've given up.
You did everything for us. But I don't want it anymore.
The feelings have long gone.
She thought that they can do this, together.
She needs her.
Don't you dare let go of me.
Don't you dare give up now.
And this is what she gets.
Or maybe,
I actually never had feelings for you.
Her hope. Her vision. All shatters into a thousand razor sharp fragments that dig into her heart. She feels like her legs might give out from underneath her, and it takes all her strength to keep herself upright. It feels like there's something around her sucks the air out of her lungs and her chest may be blow up from all the pressures. It wounds her deeper than all the lies. She's trying her hardest to keep the water pooling in her eyes from spilling.
I've heard enough.
And her pain coming in waves, pushing out of her body through silent sobs. Horrible wailing between sharp gasps for air.
It breaks everything left in her.
Everything.
She wonders when it will become easier, when the stabbing pain she carries in her chest will calm enough to be bearable.
She did everything to cure it.
Sleep, music, alcohol,
something she never tried before,
she dyed her hair brown,
she took everything more than she could take,
cigar, pain-killer,
and less than she should have,
food,
keeping something close to her to dull the ache,
her sweater, the doll from her.
The hole in her heart keeps burning.
It's exhausting.
It's eating her up.
She feels like drowning, and to make it worse, she's drowning alone.
I miss you.
No one can make her feel this way.
Feel so full when she's around, but too empty when she's gone.
But she doesn't want her.
She never did, remember?
She turns to be the asshole everyone have told her.
And everyone have forced her to believe.
Everyone have pushed her girl to finally be one.
She left.
And that's what everyone wants.
But, now what?
Are you all going to be with me?
Staying by my side going through all this?
Are you enjoying the sight of me, now?
A mess,
struggling,
and all alone.
She's falling deeper.
To her; for all the promises that have been broken.
You're a fucking coward.
To them; for all the shits they've put her to going through.
You all are a fucking coward.
She's scared.
I'm scared.
She's alone.
I'm alone.
And she's scared.
And I'm scared.
I thought we were beyond this,
am I not worth fighting for?
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